Originally Posted on June 18 2006:
You ever stopped living just long enough to look around? It took me a long time before I could say yes to that question. I looked ahead dreaming of futures that I would never have but forgot the past and the present. Then came the fateful day when I stopped dreaming and living and just took a moment to breathe. It was one of the worst experiences of my life because in that moment the reality that I was not anywhere close to where I wanted to be hit me in the face like an axe handle wrapped in barbed wire. It sucked. However, I understood that to be all I hoped would take a lot of work and looking back to figure out what went wrong the first time (don't believe the lie that you only have one chance at life).
The understanding I reached has started one of the most intense, emotional, gut-wrenching journeys I've gone through. At the same time it has been one of the most educational and meaningful things that I've ever done. My search has left me longing for something, and I'm beginning to find it in some childhood memories. But before I tell you what I long for, let me tell you a story.
When you're a kid life is simpler and the world is bigger. I look upon my childhood very fondly. One of my most vivid memories happened when I was just 6 or 7. I was watching television with my parents before bedtime as was custom. We were probably watching APT since we didn't have cable. I was fading fast so my parents made me go to bed. About an hour later I started to sleepwalk. I came out of my room into the living room and started screaming for them to "turn everything up!!" Of course I was told this part later, but what I remember best and will never forget is that I woke up in my father's arms. Nothing could touch me there. I knew something had happened but I knew nothing bad could get me there with my head on his shoulder.
This is one of my most intimate memories with my Dad. Strangely enough its also one of the things I need most. I know that I can't go back. I know that now I'm bigger than my dad and can't even fit in his lap. It is not really the act I need but the feeling. Now that I'm older I look for this from my heavenly Father. I need to wake up, dazed, scared, and confused but knowing that I'm in my Father's arms. I need to know and feel that I am being held tight and that nothing will ever happen to me while I'm there.
The thing is that when I look around this world today everyone that I see needs this same feeling. You can see it in there eyes. It's everywhere. Two things about this make me sad. Number one is that at least I have a memory of my dad being like that. A lot of people in the world have never known a father like that if they even knew one at all. They act like since they made it without a human dad they can make it without a heavenly one, or they don't even know what to ask for. The second thing is the people that had a great dad but out of some sort of self righteous humility they won't accept God's offer of love and protection. They are so busy showing the world how God has blessed them that they can't let go of their self sufficiency to let Him hold them.
If I have only one hope it is this. That the world, every single person will be able to one day wake up as I did. I hope that somehow they get thrown into their Father's arms and wake up frightened and confused. But more so, in that moment, I hope they feel his hands drawing them close and they look up into the face of the creator of this universe and see the yet unimagined, lavish love of God. In that moment may they melt, smile, and close their eyes again and rest knowing that whatever has or will happen can't touch them there.
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